Booky Giftness

It's a well-known fact that I adore books. I seriously <3 books. Seriously. So when yesterday turned out to be a two book/two gift day, I ran out to buy a lotto ticket (not really).

Upon returning from Australia, my boss gave me the children's book Mr. McGee and the Biting Flea, which is so salacious that it's not even purchasable through Amazon. Why? Perhaps this illustration from the book could provide us with some insight.
Australians are pervy (in a hilarious and innocent way). Apparently Margaret Thatcher is too.

Handsome Hubster picked up Gestures, which you also can't buy at Amazon. I suppose this makes me the worst sort of Amazon Associate sell-out -- a hawker of books you can't buy.

Students in the News

Hawt Mz got the kids busy setting up their own market as their first quarter project. The kids started with a field trip to a local grocer. Then they researched food groups, product labels, grocery geography, and grocer careers. Of course, Mz can't make a move without the paparazzi, so the first of three news crews came to visit. The 7 YO is in the back of the garden row, planting with her green fingernails, and in the chicken coop.



See? It's not just that Hawt Mz is an awesome, newsworthy teacher, she also looks damn good on video. We should all be so blessed. Unfortunately for her, her students outshone her in the classroom. Their research was, oh my. Impressive. Their preparation and presentation was insanely inspiring. My kid presented honey -- from bee anatomy, hive construction, and honey production to the human use of honey and beeswax.

(Budget cut/funding rant providing an awesome transition to picking up my son at his school deleted because it seemed tangential to my unabashed bragging, but you can imagine an amazing transition right here.)

Upon retrieving the 9 YO from his school, a note explaining that he's one of 32 students at his school selected by the art teacher to upload some of his work to Artsonia was thrust in my face.


Artsonia is a Web site that sells you stuff - postcards, bags, temporary tattoos -- featuring the artwork of your kid. They donate 15% of the sales to the school. I think that's how it works. So, if you are so inclined, go on over and comment on the 9 YO's watercolor leaves (inspired by his idea of a flag for New Canada and sneaking in a hidden flame thrower). Buy something if you want, or not, but love the colors. I'm starting to understand Caddo's pride (her daughters have earned some prestigious art awards and yet I find no mention on her blog or her Facebook page, otherwise they would be linked).

I should do that thing where I tell my blog to suggest other similar posts, but I suspect it's only available for Word Press and I cannot be bothered. Instead, I'll do it the old fashioned way by writing my own. The Fine, Fine Market reminds me of when the 7 YO's former classroom transformed into a news paper publisher. Additionally, the 9 YO's art teacher's compliments on his art reminds me of his stamp art accolades.

Egreting

Hey, look there. What's that?


I see an egret! It's as big as the 7 YO!


Look through your binoculars and you can see it too.


We got within 10 yards of the egret before it flew away...


... to perch atop this tree on the other side of the lake. I bet we could get closer.


Maybe right up in the tree, even.


Big ol' dumb adults chased it away.


Good bye, Egret.

A Family Portrait

We went on a hike. It was beautiful. I loved my family and the overcast day and all the creatures great and small whose paths we encountered. I wanted to capture the moment. I wanted a family photo. Maybe not this one.


The 9 YO looks genuinely happy, but the rest of us don't appear enthusiastic. This isn't the moment I had hoped to capture. We tried again.


Oops. Darn timer. One more time.


We could do better.


And here we lose the 9 YO. Nevermind. Some moments are best preserved in memory alone.

Criminal Quotes

The poet, Populist Pugilist, is a criminal public defender. By that I mean he is a public defender of criminals and not a public defender who is criminally inclined. I'm pretty sure that's what he is. Yes, he's ridiculously principled. If he wasn't my friend, I'd shrivel away from the brilliant light cast by his steadfast honor and dignity. He's also smart, compassionate, and far, far away. He's missed at Thanksgiving.

On the other hand, his job and his ear for poo and/or sage advice has provided the Universe with a great deal of entertainment in the form of his daily quotes. I've determined they belong in a collection so while I haven't copyrighted anything on this site, please know I will hunt you down, plant incriminating evidence, call the cops and make sure you have a lousy lawyer. Or, I'll just let Populist deal with you. If I haven't mentioned it, he's a Brazilian kickboxing mo fo with a pitt bull's determination. So, you know, you've been warned. This poo is copyrighted because I said so and I'm pretty sure that's the only standard that needs to be met.

Without further ado, Populist's first collected court quotes:

• "No jury will believe I was moving that kind of weight. We're in the middle of a recession."



• "The $6500 in my pocket was to pay the rent tomorrow, the 30 bags of heroin were for personal use, and I carry four cell phones so my girlfriends and my wife won't call me on the same phone."



• "Thank your lawyer. He fought hard and did a good job for you. And follow his advice. I say that in part because I believe he gives good advice, and in part because I overheard him telling you that you should never drive again."



• "I agree with you counselor, but the legislature has strangled me. Which is a separate crime now, by the way."



• "I can't imagine that a law enforcement officer would find evidence hidden away somewhere and then claim that he saw it in plain view." -- an Asst. U.S. Atty.



• "Well, she should have come to court, but I'm not worried about finding your client, counselor. Looks like she gets pulled over about once a week."

I can't pick a favorite, but I do admire the thought process of the guy who justifies his flimsy defense with the current state of the economy. That dude watches the news! I also find the guy who excuses his large stashes of cash, drugs, and phones with seemingly normal lifestyle choices to be steeped in logic. Such rationality could be put to use in more honorable pursuits, I'm sure. It is reassuring to know that Populist is there helping these guys out and apparently at least two judges agree.

Todd-O Update

Todd-o, who is in need of thousands of dollars in dental care including an "elective" crown (I think that means either Todd-o wants a golden grill or insurance companies are stupid), underwent minor outpatient surgery last week. During the course of setting up that surgery, two cancerous bumps were discovered and removed from his nose. YAY nose scabs! Toward the end of the week, Todd-o got to feel the glory of state budget cuts resulting in increased tuition. OUCH. I guess we'll be having him over more often for dinner, which is really in my favor anyway.

As you can imagine, Todd-o is in need of some good news. It may have arrived this week along with several empty packing boxes that have been dragged into the home of loud, inconsiderate, and surprisingly tolerant of high adult tenant to square footage ratios neighbors. Todd-o alerted Mike the Mormon who responded with this poster.


Click on it for the full-sized image in all it's clever glory.

Mayonnaise Cake

Todd-o asked for a mayonnaise cake for his birthday. I screwed up at least two before I got it right. As you can see, I don't have much space for the baking of goods and that's probably for the best since I'm obviously not a graceful baker. Can you imagine a whole kitchen of this?


Yes. That's a styrofoam Eegee's cup. Yes. It's likely full of high fructose corn syrup. What would you expect from a blog post titled "Mayonnaise Cake"? Can I get back to how I can't stop thinking about this cake now?

I love this cake because even my screw-ups were pretty good. They were moist and appropriately Midwestern. Also, there are no raw eggs so the kids can lick the bowl and mixers and scraper and counter top.

Try it for yourself, then invite me over.

INGREDIENTS
2 c flour (I used cake flour. Ever used it? Seems worth it to me.)
1 c sugar
2 tsp baking soda
4 tbsp cocoa
1/4 tsp salt
1 c water
1 c mayonnaise
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 c of chocolate chips (multipe-ly optional)
1/4 c nuts (For nut lovers. Personally I pass on nuts.)

DIRECTIONS
* Sift dry ingredients together into a bowl.
* Add the water and beat 1 minute.
* Add the mayonnaise and beat 1 minute.
* Add the vanilla and beat 1 minute.

Or just throw it all together and beat it for 3 minutes. I won't judge. You can stir in chocolate chips at this point if you'd like.

* Pour into a greased and floured 13 x 9 inch square pan. Instead of flour, which is just plain gross, you can use a portion of the dry ingredients you've set aside. That makes the edges of the cake taste less flour-y.
* Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Do you smell popcorn? I did and that's totally weird.
* Sprinkle with chopped nuts and chocolate bits in lieu of frosting. The chips heat up and are spreadable.

Soutwest Plants & People People

A guest post from Bob, on-call photographer & wheelbarrow operator.

Results from this morning's poll.

Working hard?

Or hardly working?

Well, shit. Let's analyze that.

The results are in.

(Jacques, I shoveled shit today. What did you do?)

Class Dismissed

I channeled Miss Emily Litela today as a parent chaperone on a field trip to the subversive produce mecca of the 17th Street Market, though I didn't realize it at the time. For those of you not fortunate enough to be reared by parents who worked late into the night, thus allowing you unfettered access to comedians like the brilliant Gilda Radner, take a gander:



Oh, Big Brother and I spent hours dotting and crossing on Mom's chalkboard! Perhaps this goes some distance explaining why I'm such a teacher groupie, or why I adore the cardigan, or why I can't pee in the ocean. I think this skit was probably the inspiration behind my brother and I silently, or loudly, saying, "Vacuum!" to one another, though we did occasionally say, "Olive juice," as well. There was no sport in letting our parents presume we liked each other. Our alliance was forged in secret. Such subversiveness allowed us far more nefarious activity than we otherwise would have enjoyed. When Big Brother is watching over you, you get to hang out at Expresso Royale. Oh, yes. And it went without saying there was nary a snitch about our willfully impious cherry vanilla Italian sodas or peppermint tea brewed in a French press. OUI!

That must have been when all went wrong. Espresso Royale, secret codes, and Miss Emily Litela. "Vacuum? I just did it yesterday. F*** you? Oh. That's different! Nevermind." But today was about olive juice with the kid I can actually claim to love in public without Olympic eye gymnastics. Hawt Mz invited us to name our favorite part of the market. Just because I played rugby doesn't make me a fish fan, but I gotta say the fish monger was my favorite. Brett must have known because he took a picture. And looky who's there with me!



Yes! I looked deep into the eyes of Emily Litela and hadn't a clue as she and I mirrored each other's every move and gesture and indoctrinating comment to future voters of America. At the same time, I think I'm an adequate foil to Hawt Mz, who made fun of me for taking my group to the frozen food isle to admire the ice cream and define decadent for first and second grade students. That's right! They can't hear POTUS tell them to stay in school, but it's totally cool for Emily Litela to define decadent. And that my friends, is nefarious.

Such Summer Reading

If you were paying attention, I attempted to record in my widgets the books the kids and I read this summer. I didn't do such a great job. The kids read at night when it was too dark for me to see them and it is such a PITA (pain in the ass - via a Solar Rock pal) for them to speak to me, much less tell me what they read. I didn't do much better recording the books I read. For example, I read a book from the Dear Dumb Diary*series and thought it was hi-LAR-ious. Still, I neglected to list it. Nor did I list The Tale of Despereaux*. So, I pretty much suck at record keeping. In this case, not such a big deal. In the case of immunization records, such a big deal.

By far our favorite was Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. I must admit, the series isn't without it's drawbacks. It's highly predictable and repetitive, and is critical of the Water Cycle. On the other hand, I enjoyed the Dantesque undertones and the cameos of Melville, Voltaire, Congreve, Woolf, Flaubert, Beckett, and many, many others. Also, the kids and I have been discussing what makes a villain or volunteer. Are you a bad guy if you tell a lie, commit a tiny bit of manslaughter (or at least assault), or neglect to care for your fingernails?

We have yet to read the final book - The End. We don't have to overly savor that book. In 2012, when my kids insist the world will end in spite of my years, YEARS, of experience with such bogus predictions, all of which I survived, Lemony Snicket is scheduled to present a new four-book series. Between The End and the end (2012), I'll be attempting to read through all the Newbery Award winners. Care to join me?

***

Summer reads that I managed to compile in a list-y, link-y format (will someone please return them to the bookshelf?):

The Invention of Hugo Cabret- 9 YO & Mom

A Series of Unfortunate Events, Books 1-12- ALL

Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Basil- 7 & 9 YOs

The Trumpet of the Swan- ALL

Is That A Sick Cat In Your Backpack?- 9 YO

Sound Off! #1 (DANIEL BOOM AKA LOUD BOY)- 9 YO

Howtoons: The Possibilities Are Endless!- 9 YO

Coraline: The Graphic Novel - 7 YO

A.L.I.E.E.E.N. - 7 & 9 YOs

Fashion Kitty and the Unlikely Hero - 7 YO

Sardine in Outer Space 2 - 9 YO

Babymouse #3: Beach Babe - 7 YO

Little Vampire - 9 YO

Babymouse #4: Rock Star - 7 YO

Warriors Super Edition: Firestar's Quest- 9 YO & Mom

Rapunzel's Revenge - 7 YO

Animorphs #37: The Weakness - 9 YO

In FAIRYLAND. With the Text of The Princess Nobody. Edited & with a Foreword by Cary Wilkins. - 7 YO

Stink: Book 1 - 9 YO

The Twelve Dancing Princesses - 7 YO

Nasty Nature (Horrible Science) - 9 YO

Flat Stanley - 7 YO

Star Wars, Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - 9 YO

Transformers: Beast Wars: The Gathering - 9 YO

* Did I mention I am a sellout Amazon Associate? I am and even managed to make $2 off you suckers!